Two Years of Home

Two years ago today, we brought home our baby girl from the hospital after spending 181 days in the NICU. So much has changed since then, but I remember it so vividly. I remember all the emotions: tears of gratitude and love as we said "goodbye" to her nurses and doctors who had cared for her so faithfully and lovingly; fear that we weren't yet ready to do this parenting thing on our own (including caring for her medical needs); the surreal feeling as we sat together in our living room, just we three Keens, for the first time; staying awake most of the night just watching her to make sure she kept breathing.

I wish I could show the 2015 version of Lauren this picture, and tell her that it will be okay. That her everyday life will not always be waking up and driving to the hospital everyday. Some day, Lauren, you will have a beautiful 2 year old running around and driving you crazy, pushing you to the edge of the cliffs of insanity. It is often in those moments of frustration that God reminds me of our NICU journey. Memories come flooding back in bits and pieces every once in a while. And in a moment my attitude shifts from my frustration, and there I stand, staring at her with tears running down my face.

Thank you,God, for Nora. Thank you for healing her little body and causing her to grow stronger. Thank you for each day you give us with her and showing me the joy in our current stage of life. Thank you for teaching me more about Who You are through this sweet little miracle. Thank you for everyone we have met and formed relationships with through this journey. You have taught me the incredible value of community, and I will forever shout "Spirit of the People!" whenever I think of the importance of it.

Thank you for changing my life. I am now able to help other families who are on NICU journeys of their own. Three years ago the words "NICU," "preemie," "kangaroo care," "NICU parent support group," "developmental therapy," "PDA," "PFO," "reactive airway," "retinopathy of prematurity," etc. meant nothing to me. Sure, I knew the NICU existed. I knew babies are born early sometimes, but that wasn't going to happen to me. That was someone else's story. I remember lying in bed after I was released from the hospital and thinking, "This isn't how it was supposed to be!" Hot, angry tears spilled out of me. I was so very angry. Walking into my house that I had left two weeks prior (still pregnant, still thinking everything was going to be fine) sent me over the edge. I wanted to go back. I wanted to try to fix it. "This isn't how it was supposed to be!" This time I said the words out loud, and I said them to God. I didn't come right out and say, "How could you let this happen??? Don't you even care about me? Are you even there?" But that is what was at the core of my thoughts. And in that moment, I heard the Holy Spirit speak to my heart, "This IS how it was supposed to be!" It wasn't an audible voice, but it might as well have been. It was a punch to my gut and a balm to my soul at the same time. God reminded me in that moment that He is sovereign. Our NICU journey had been planned before I was even born. And if this was God's plan for my life, I knew He was going to carry me through it. Because God isn't just sovereign. He is holy, wise, loving, and good.

In that moment, I had no clue if Nora was going to come home from the NICU. I prayed every day through the first month of her life, "I believe, but help my unbelief!" I believe God is sovereign and holy and wise and loving and good, but what if Nora dies? Is God still good then? "Help my unbelief, God."

Now that we are on the other side of the journey, I can tell you that God did indeed help my unbelief. He gave me strength, perseverance, peace, joy, hope, laughter, friendship, love, bonds that will never be broken, and so much more. As I sit here, two years after the end of our NICU stay, I don't want to go back and fix it. I don't want to go back and change anything. This IS how it was supposed to be. God is sovereign. God is holy. God is wise. God is love. God is good.