I have been wanting to write a blog post for a while now for a few reasons: to thank everyone for all they are doing and to let everyone know how I am doing. I have been keeping a journal for the past few weeks since Nora was born, so I thought I would share some of the thoughts that I have written.
March 23:
"It is very humbling to see so many people, some of whom we do not even know personally, give us cards, gift cards and financial gifts. Most of my life I have been the type of person that hates sympathy. I do not want people to feel sorry for me or coddle me. When I was younger, we went through a season of trials in our family. So many people would come and share their concern for me. I honestly wanted to be left alone. As I got older, it turned into my wanting others to think I was strong. I hate appearing weak. I would get so angry (and still do sometimes) when I cried in front of others. In my mind, that was a sign of weakness. I know now that this was just pride and selfishness. God's design for His church is for believers to love each other. He calls us to love not just in word but in deed (I John). God is showing me that I need to embrace the love that others are showing me. I am not always going to be the strong one, and that is okay. Praise God, He does not expect me to got through this alone. He is holding me up with His grace.
Yesterday was a hard day for me, It was the third day in a row that Nora had not been doing too well. There was a murmur in her heart. Her oxygen was turned up on her ventilator because she continued to need more help breathing. The nurses had to 'bag' her several times because she stopped breathing. They had to give her a blood transfusion. And all the possible issues that could happen in the future started to weigh down on me. For the past few weeks, I had done well not worrying about those things because they may or may not happen. The doctors were still not sure if she will develop issues or not, so I was not going to worry about something that may not ever happen. But yesterday, I started letting fear control me. The uncertainty of the future was breaking me down. I was scared and angry. I just kept thinking of all the people I know who had normal pregnancies and babies born perfectly healthy. I kept asking, 'Why me? This is not fair! This wasn't how this was supposed to be! I was supposed to finish out teaching the rest of the school year. We were supposed to go to birthing classes. I was supposed to go to a breast feeding class. I still had 3 baby showers coming up before Nora was supposed to be born. We were still rearranging our apartment to get the nursery ready. Nora was not supposed to come till June! This isn't how it was supposed to be!' Then, when I stopped throwing my tantrum and just listened, I heard God whisper in my heart, 'This is how it was supposed to be. This is my plan for you and Michael. This is my plan for Nora. Trust Me.' Things do not always go the way I want them to go. This definitely did not go how I thought it should go. But my life is playing out exactly how God has planned it. Jeremiah 29:11 states, '"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."'
I have already seen how God is using this trial in our lives. He is changing me in many ways. He is bringing Michael and I closer together. He is increasing our faith. He is allowing Nora's story to touch the lives of so many people--people we never would have been able to reach if this had not happened. And He is using those same people to touch our hearts.
God has also begun to weave our hearts together with Nora's nurses and doctors. They love and care for her so much. It just blesses my heart to know that the people caring for my daughter lover her almost as much as I do.
I have seen God's hand in this in so many ways. I would have never chosen this path for myself, but, praise God, He knows what I need. His way is best.
In Mark 9, a father comes to Jesus and asks Him to help his son. Jesus says, "Anything is possible if a person believes." The father responds, "I do believe, but help my unbelief!" This is exactly how I have felt through this journey.
Several of my close friends and family have written some very nice things about me on social media. As a person whose love language is 'words of affirmation' my heart is full. But all the good that comes from me, all the strength that people see in me, all of it is from Christ. There is no way, no way I could smile, laugh, see the good, be strong at all if it were not for Christ, my Savior! I truly mean that. I was created in God's image, and He redeemed me through His son Jesus Christ. I have done nothing and will not ever do anything to earn His favor or grace. He gives it to me freely. All the righteousness within me is Christ. He has made me a new creature. Praise God for the work He continues to do in me."
March 27
"As I sit here watching my sweet girl hooked up to so many wires and tubes (she does not have the strength to breathe on her own, so she is hooked up to a ventilator), I have so many thoughts and emotions going through my brain and in my heart. I am so thankful and full of love for my sweet little one! I have heard first time parents say that they did not know they could love someone so much, and now that I have a little baby of my own, I know exactly how they feel.
I also have feelings of inadequacy. I feel like I cannot do this. But as I look back on my life, each trial I have gone through I never thought I could do, but I did. God has given me exactly what I need, and I love that every trial He brings into my life He carries me through it. And at the end of the struggle, I am always a different person than I was at the beginning. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to go through, but I know God is using this journey to accomplish something great.
There are times (a lot of times) that I feel scared. Scared to lose her, scared there will be complications, scared I will not be equipped to care for her, scared we will never leave the hospital. And as I write each of these fears out, I realize that some of these fears are really just my being selfish, and I need to give them to God. He has always given me what I need to do what He has called me to do. Why would this be any different?
I have also had feelings of guilt, especially when I am not at the hospital. I feel I should be at the hospital all the time. I am thankful for a husband and family who remind me to take care of myself and get the rest I need. Nora is being taken care of by the best. They tell me to sleep now because when she comes home I will not be able to get any rest! ;-)"
March 29
"Today in church, we learned about prayer and relying on the Holy Spirit. In Ephesians 1, Paul reminds us of how powerful God is. His power and might are immeasurable! So often I try to go through my life depending on my own strength and wisdom. The Holy Spirit is there. He gives wisdom and strength and healing! He give peace and joy and love! Lord, help me to pray more! Help me to call on You and rely on Your Spirit more!"
Thank you to all who have been praying and have given us cards, meals and financial gifts. We cannot express how thankful we are for your support during this unexpected and difficult time. We covet your continued prayers as we continue our NICU journey.
Below, I have attached some links to a few songs that have been an encouragement to me and that echo the prayers in my heart. I hope they can be an encouragement to others as well.
By Faith
Oceans
All I Have is Christ
A Mother's Prayer
March 23:
"It is very humbling to see so many people, some of whom we do not even know personally, give us cards, gift cards and financial gifts. Most of my life I have been the type of person that hates sympathy. I do not want people to feel sorry for me or coddle me. When I was younger, we went through a season of trials in our family. So many people would come and share their concern for me. I honestly wanted to be left alone. As I got older, it turned into my wanting others to think I was strong. I hate appearing weak. I would get so angry (and still do sometimes) when I cried in front of others. In my mind, that was a sign of weakness. I know now that this was just pride and selfishness. God's design for His church is for believers to love each other. He calls us to love not just in word but in deed (I John). God is showing me that I need to embrace the love that others are showing me. I am not always going to be the strong one, and that is okay. Praise God, He does not expect me to got through this alone. He is holding me up with His grace.
Yesterday was a hard day for me, It was the third day in a row that Nora had not been doing too well. There was a murmur in her heart. Her oxygen was turned up on her ventilator because she continued to need more help breathing. The nurses had to 'bag' her several times because she stopped breathing. They had to give her a blood transfusion. And all the possible issues that could happen in the future started to weigh down on me. For the past few weeks, I had done well not worrying about those things because they may or may not happen. The doctors were still not sure if she will develop issues or not, so I was not going to worry about something that may not ever happen. But yesterday, I started letting fear control me. The uncertainty of the future was breaking me down. I was scared and angry. I just kept thinking of all the people I know who had normal pregnancies and babies born perfectly healthy. I kept asking, 'Why me? This is not fair! This wasn't how this was supposed to be! I was supposed to finish out teaching the rest of the school year. We were supposed to go to birthing classes. I was supposed to go to a breast feeding class. I still had 3 baby showers coming up before Nora was supposed to be born. We were still rearranging our apartment to get the nursery ready. Nora was not supposed to come till June! This isn't how it was supposed to be!' Then, when I stopped throwing my tantrum and just listened, I heard God whisper in my heart, 'This is how it was supposed to be. This is my plan for you and Michael. This is my plan for Nora. Trust Me.' Things do not always go the way I want them to go. This definitely did not go how I thought it should go. But my life is playing out exactly how God has planned it. Jeremiah 29:11 states, '"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."'
I have already seen how God is using this trial in our lives. He is changing me in many ways. He is bringing Michael and I closer together. He is increasing our faith. He is allowing Nora's story to touch the lives of so many people--people we never would have been able to reach if this had not happened. And He is using those same people to touch our hearts.
God has also begun to weave our hearts together with Nora's nurses and doctors. They love and care for her so much. It just blesses my heart to know that the people caring for my daughter lover her almost as much as I do.
I have seen God's hand in this in so many ways. I would have never chosen this path for myself, but, praise God, He knows what I need. His way is best.
In Mark 9, a father comes to Jesus and asks Him to help his son. Jesus says, "Anything is possible if a person believes." The father responds, "I do believe, but help my unbelief!" This is exactly how I have felt through this journey.
Several of my close friends and family have written some very nice things about me on social media. As a person whose love language is 'words of affirmation' my heart is full. But all the good that comes from me, all the strength that people see in me, all of it is from Christ. There is no way, no way I could smile, laugh, see the good, be strong at all if it were not for Christ, my Savior! I truly mean that. I was created in God's image, and He redeemed me through His son Jesus Christ. I have done nothing and will not ever do anything to earn His favor or grace. He gives it to me freely. All the righteousness within me is Christ. He has made me a new creature. Praise God for the work He continues to do in me."
March 27
"As I sit here watching my sweet girl hooked up to so many wires and tubes (she does not have the strength to breathe on her own, so she is hooked up to a ventilator), I have so many thoughts and emotions going through my brain and in my heart. I am so thankful and full of love for my sweet little one! I have heard first time parents say that they did not know they could love someone so much, and now that I have a little baby of my own, I know exactly how they feel.
I also have feelings of inadequacy. I feel like I cannot do this. But as I look back on my life, each trial I have gone through I never thought I could do, but I did. God has given me exactly what I need, and I love that every trial He brings into my life He carries me through it. And at the end of the struggle, I am always a different person than I was at the beginning. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to go through, but I know God is using this journey to accomplish something great.
There are times (a lot of times) that I feel scared. Scared to lose her, scared there will be complications, scared I will not be equipped to care for her, scared we will never leave the hospital. And as I write each of these fears out, I realize that some of these fears are really just my being selfish, and I need to give them to God. He has always given me what I need to do what He has called me to do. Why would this be any different?
I have also had feelings of guilt, especially when I am not at the hospital. I feel I should be at the hospital all the time. I am thankful for a husband and family who remind me to take care of myself and get the rest I need. Nora is being taken care of by the best. They tell me to sleep now because when she comes home I will not be able to get any rest! ;-)"
March 29
"Today in church, we learned about prayer and relying on the Holy Spirit. In Ephesians 1, Paul reminds us of how powerful God is. His power and might are immeasurable! So often I try to go through my life depending on my own strength and wisdom. The Holy Spirit is there. He gives wisdom and strength and healing! He give peace and joy and love! Lord, help me to pray more! Help me to call on You and rely on Your Spirit more!"
Thank you to all who have been praying and have given us cards, meals and financial gifts. We cannot express how thankful we are for your support during this unexpected and difficult time. We covet your continued prayers as we continue our NICU journey.
Below, I have attached some links to a few songs that have been an encouragement to me and that echo the prayers in my heart. I hope they can be an encouragement to others as well.
By Faith
Oceans
All I Have is Christ
A Mother's Prayer
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